It’s hard to watch addiction develop. But it’s hardest to watch it as a spouse. Addiction recovery guides can only describe what it’s like to have a partner with addiction. Living it is very different, since addiction forever shapes both the people involved. 

Romantic partners are the first to witness—or suffer—the behavioral changes and neglect typically associated with addiction. It is difficult, but by avoiding enabling behaviors and supporting them in hard times, they’ll also play a pivotal role in their eventual recovery.

Signs of Addiction to Watch for in a Relationship 

Intimate living arrangements offer unique opportunities to spot changes from addiction, many of which family, friends, or colleagues would never see. This evidence-gathering makes the inevitable confrontation during an intervention harder to dismiss. 

Behavior Changes 

Addiction often leads to sudden secrecy and irritability in an attempt to hide behavior that feels shameful or embarrassing. A person with addiction typically withdraws from social activities, hobbies, and interests, which all become secondary to their substance use. This sudden loss of interest is a clear sign of unhealthily shifted priorities, and warrants further investigation. 

Physical Indicators of Addiction 

Addiction takes a toll on the body. People who live together see these signs earlier and in more detail than anyone else. Sudden, drastic weight gain from drinking or loss from drug use are both obvious signs of addiction, and very dangerous to their health. Keep an eye out for smaller signs as well, such as vein bruising from injectables or tooth damage from prolonged methamphetamine use. 

Emotional Problems

Many addiction patients struggle with extreme shifts in mood. Hyper-energized periods and erratic, unpredictable behaviors happen often when using “stimulant” drugs like cocaine. Alcohol famously causes all sorts of unstable behaviors, ranging from inappropriate cheerfulness to deep depression to abusive words and actions. 

Addiction-Related Financial Problems

Addiction is expensive. Look for patterns like missing money, hidden or unexplained debts, and erratic spending. Many people with addiction even steal and pawn valuables like jewelry or intentionally neglect bills to cover their addictions. If the household is in inexplicably dire financial straits, addiction may be to blame. 

How You Can Advance Your Partner’s Addiction Recovery 

Fight for stability and encouragement. Stay informed and educated, yet firm in both your convictions and boundaries. Remember to not “light yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.” Boundaries matter when holding a loved one accountable for their behaviour, which is one of the most important aspects of support —even if it means being cruel to be kind. 

Stay Supportive 

Challenges are easier to face when you have someone in your corner. Encourage them and pick them up when they fall, because they probably will. Between 40% and 60% of addiction patients relapse at least once. Learn about these painful truths, be ready for them, and offer kindness and solace when they happen. 

Educate Yourself 

Know the signs and what to do next by reading guides like this one. Take the time to learn the modern psychological model of addiction as a “relapsing brain disease” rather than a sign of weak willpower and loose morals. Though their brain fights them every minute they are sober, the person who entered the relationship is still there, deep down. Knowing that, and knowing how to help them recover, is vital. 

Attend Meetings 

Spouses are absolutely allowed to attend addiction support groups. Joining offers an opportunity to learn how partners think and feel when vulnerable. Observe the administrators of those meetings and adapt the ways they hold members accountable to life at home. Most importantly, these meetings can teach ways to support partners without enabling them. 

How to Avoid Enabling a Partner’s Addiction 

Enabling means giving in to the addiction patient’s demands under the mistaken assumption that making their life easier will help. It comes from a place of love. But real support doesn't mean giving them everything they want. It means holding them accountable for lies and failures and pushing them in constructive, if uncomfortable, directions. 

Avoid Peer Pressure and Personal Use 

Be a positive role model. Live the lifestyle you want them to have. Consider giving up alcohol yourself when married to a person with an alcohol addiction. Stop attending hardcore parties if a partner struggles with cocaine or MDMA. Make the healthy lifestyle changes, like diet and exercise, together. Seeing it’s possible for you motivates your partner to follow in your footsteps. 

Don’t Make Excuses or Hide the Truth 

Don’t defend them or downplay their bad behavior. Don’t cover the costs of alcohol, explain away their behavior, or lie about being behind the wheel after a DUI. Their actions have serious consequences. Not letting them suffer them is a severe form of enabling, and an enabled addiction will never get better. 

Judgement and Forgiveness 

Judging them or assigning blame is counterproductive. They have already accumulated a great deal of guilt and know, deep down, how much their behavior hurts their loved ones. Listen to their struggles when they vent, and give them a safe place to do so. Offer kind words and encouragement, and praise when they do well. Affirmation from a loved one is very different from hearing it from a counselor, even if both are helpful. 

At the same time, stay detached enough to keep them on track. Make sure both partners know, with no ambiguity, how they will and won’t help one another.

Establish Accountability System  

Though being supportive and judgement-free is essential, make sure they take responsibility for the consequences of their actions. Define your goals as a couple and what to do when either of you falls short of those goals. Discuss when and how you will check in with one another, and demand a commitment to honesty…then establish the consequences for lying or falling short. 

Knowing is Half the Battle. Learn More with Never Alone Recovery 

Offering support for families of people with an addiction through programs that identify rehabs that take insurance and online support groups, the Never Alone program understands that everyone involved deserves support. It’s hard to plan interventions alone or push a family member into insurance-approved rehab withhttps://neveralonerecovery.com/contact/out backup. 
Call for a consultation with addiction recovery consultants who’ll help identify the next steps in the family’s recovery journey. If you aren’t ready to take that step, subscribe to our blog to educate yourself on all aspects of addiction and how you can help.